Woch nan dlo pa konnen mize woch ki nan soley.

The rock in the water does not know the misery of the rock in the sun.

I'm not sure where to start, I've got so much on my mind and so much that I want to share. The past few days have been filled with conversations, thoughts, dreams, and experiences that have been wonderful, fascinating, confusing, and difficult.

Being here for the past seven and a half months, I've found that I can get myself into such a mindset that I almost forget where I am--I just am constantly moving, seeing, and living that when I actually stop and take a bit of time to reflect on where I really am, the people around me, and the many things I see--I am shocked. I can't believe it. It is then that the reality hits me, and what a reality it is. It is so easy (too easy) to go about life living on just the surface. But really, what will we ever learn if that is all we do, if that is all the effort we put into living? Is it even truly living? I do not believe so. Obviously, I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to this, but in being here, I have had multiple experiences that are in essence a slap in the face: a wake up call to open my eyes and see just what it is that is all around me. I don't want to live life on the surface, and I don't think I really can here in Haiti. I can try, but, as I have learned, something always comes around to smack me in the face bringing me right to the front of it all--telling me to dive in, because I'm here, and so is everyone around me. As harsh as it can be, I am more than thankful for it.

I believe one of the reasons I am so drawn to Haiti is the great mystery and spirituality that she holds. It is impossible not to be touched by it (if you are one who lives with and open mind and open eyes, that is...). I don't believe that Haiti will ever be "figured out", and I don't even know if she should be. Meddling in things that aren't ever completely understood never turns out well...I'm content to live in this place of mystery as it is. However, I'm not opposed in anyway, to hearing, learning, and trying my best to understand this great mystery--which is slowly what has been unfolding these past months.

A few days ago while I was still sick but tired of laying around, I decided to join a couple from MCC who had come up to Gwo Jan for Kreyol lessons with Carla and the MJRAV guys in their first experience of grilling and pounding coffee with Bertine. Although I paid later for being up and walking around, I am certainly glad that I went. The first time I met Bertine in 2009, I was immediately struck by her gracefulness and strength. She has a presence about her that draws you to her, a comfort and a protection. She, like most women here in Haiti emits strength, and you know just by looking at her that she has not lived an easy life-- but the welcoming, knowing look in her eyes tells you that she has overcome whatever things have come her way and is still living her life, standing strong.

Bertine has no children but raised her sister's four children, who all call her 'manman'. She is, what they call here in Haiti, a 'famn saj', or a mid-wife. She also is a healer--using leaves and other natural resources to heal wounds, sicknesses, and to aid in giving birth to children. She has probably assisted in giving birth to most of the people here in Gwo Jan under the age of 40. People in the community would come to her asking her to relieve their pain, heal their child, etc. All of this she did without asking a dime. Although she does not do this very often anymore, people still will come to her asking for help.

I've been able to go with different groups to Bertine's to grill coffee several times, and I always enjoy it. Everyone always asks questions about what it is Bertine does, how she does it, so on and so forth...but she is not always eager to answer. I'm not sure whether its hard for her to talk about, or whether or not she just feels she doesn't need to share it with everyone. This time it seemed to be different. The couple from MCC had asked Bertine how she became a 'fanm saj', and whether or not she studied to do that. Bertine readily answered, and told us a beautiful story.

As she began to tell us her story it was as if she was taken back to that very time. I was mesmerized by the way she told it and the life in her face as she spoke. As a child she had a dream where she heard a woman calling her. She saw a long table with a white cloth covering it, and a woman laying on the table. Along with the woman lying on the table, there was an elderly woman telling Bertine what to do--where to touch the woman on the table to heal her, giving her instructions. In the dream Bertine did what she was told, and healed the woman. As she woke up she cried to her father, telling him her dream. The woman who had been instructing her was actually her great-great grandmother on her father's side passing down this gift and ability to her. So began her work as a 'fanm saj' and healer.

Bertine, as I said does not do this work very often anymore. She has stopped because so many people were coming to her, the Ougan (vodou priests) were not making a profit, and were not working. Since Bertine never asked for money, and she is what they call 'Bon Guinea', which is the pure, beautiful, and true side of vodou coming from west-African roots, many people chose to see Bertine instead of the Ougan, who so often would ask a large sum of money for their services. Thus causing a rift among Bertine and many of the Ougans surrounding the area.

I hope to spend more time with Bertine, hearing more of her stories and learning as much as I can. Bertine has opened my eyes to another reality of this place and has helped me move along in this ever precious journey.

This beautiful, strong woman is an example of the true beauty and healing of Haiti. These are the roots of this place; without corruption, without greed. This is what Haiti and her people must hold on to, for this is what they are, this is who they are.

A special treat!

Hi everyone...its been a little while since I've updated so I knew I had to do something special to keep my audience....SO, what is more special than a video of me washing my clothes?! I know, I know...you don't have to thank me.

Lots has gone on lately, so much that to write about it all for you would take days, so...I'm not going to do that. I've unfortunately been attacked by various gross sicknesses lately, which has not been fun. First came malaria back in July, then came some sort of gross rash in August that lasted until early this month, then came worms, and now...well a mysterious "infection in my blood". Rest assured I have been to the doctors and have antibiotics, tylenol with codeine for my headaches, echinacea, and vitamin c....SO really, I will never get sick again. Great. Moving on...

Less than two weeks ago Courtney and I had our second retreat with Carla. We decided to go low budget this time so we stayed in Gwo Jan (where Carla lives). It turned out to be a wonderful and enriching retreat...we both learned a lot...about a lot. We were able to visit two directors of two different organizations--one was a school/professional training center for children who are or were in the restavek system. The center was set up with training in plumbing, cooking, computers, art, and cosmetology. The other organization works with peasant and grassroots groups to reinforce their capacity to become more effective in providing for their families and communities. Both were really great to see and even more exciting to see that they are completely Haitian-led and run.

 

Courtney and I sitting with Dja's dad

Of course we had to take a little time to party, so Saturday night Courtney, Carla, and I were escorted by the ever-strong MJRAV men (Yaya, Routson, Manno, and Jean David), Makson, Mona, and Ron to see Boukman Eksperyans play in Petionville. It was a great night of dancing, singing, being goofy, and just enjoying each other's presence.  Everyone should look up Boukman Eksperyans because their music is great, they have great energy and  are amazingly talented. 

We also were able to visit Djaloki's father, an incredibly influential man in Haiti's history. It was quite an honor to sit with him and hear him share a few of his stories. A project I hope to start soon is to work with him, organizing his photos and documents, and eventually recording his story. It is certainly one that deserves to be told.

Boukman Eksperyans

After all of our adventures we returned to Leogane. However, I find myself back here again nursing the mysterious infection. I'm on the mend, though.


Until next time!

Babies, babies everywhere

Hello again...

Here we are, mid to late October, and its still..really, really hot. At least its starting to cool down at night, making it a little easier to sleep. However, as much as I enjoy the heat more than the cold, I'm looking forward to it cooling off a little bit here. I've had a terrible heat rash for the past month that doesn't seem to want to go away--every time I sweat, I break out in lovely red bumps all over my body. Quite attractive, really. If I wasn't afraid of everyone being jealous I would post a picture for you all on here, but...ya know...I'd rather not make people envious of me. ;)

Anywho...things are going well, Courtney and I made it back to Dabon safely after our little excursion to Jakmel. I had a pretty low-key week last week, nothing too excited nor out of the ordinary. Rasin Lespwa, the library where I hang out most of the time, had their usual 'Dimanch des Arts' last Sunday night, which is always great. Its a bit like an open mic type deal. People come and read poetry, sing, dance, play the drums, so on and so forth. I decided to dance Kompa with a friend Ricardo, which...is always entertaining for everyone else to see a white girl dancing (or trying) kompa. I have to say though, I wasn't too bad...and I'm getting better. Here's a photo to show you all just how much I love 'Dimanch des Arts'.

Yep...there you have it. Excitement, anticipation, too much of an energy drink combined with notenough sleep, heat...the whole kit and kaboodle. I also realize this picture perfectly portrays Courtney and my personalities. Moving on...

I suppose the most exciting thing that happened this past week was that Wilda gave birth to her baby! Sunday morning she was taken to the hospital in Port au Prince and gave birth to a little girl. They still have not chosen a name for her...so I'll have to get back to you all on that one. Now the house is filled with people coming in and out to visit and see the new addition to the family. Lucky for me, my room is directly in front of Wilda's room, where the baby sleeps...which only means I get to hear every time the baby wakes up crying during the night! I suppose its good practice. Its quite different the way children are raised here compared to how they are raised in the states. Its much more of a communal, familial effort. The child isn't hidden away and only held by certain people. Everyone puts a hand in at taking care of the children, sharing the task of feeding them, holding them, whatever needs to be done, really. Its beautiful and a much better way to raise children.

This past Monday I was able to go on a trip to Vali, which isn't too far from where I am in Dabon, with a young people's group in Rasin Lespwa. We all packed into an old school bus and headed out. When we got to where we were supposed to turn off to head up the mountain everyone started saying the bus won't make it...which only meant one thing--we were going to be walking the rest of the way. Now I love walking as much as the next person, but I was not prepared for this. I walk off the bus and look ahead to see a sign saying Vali--5 Kilometers, and a giant hill ahead of me. We start walking, and walking...and walking. There were about 30 of us in total, scattered here and there climbing up the mountain. About 20 minutes into the hike we reach the 1 kilometer sign and I start laughing hysterically. Everyone is drenched in sweat, panting, and can barely stand up straight...and we still had 4 more kilometers to go. Let me say this, too...this hike was completely uphill, there were no times where it was flat to give us a little relief...oh no, not at all. Yet the more we walked, the more we encouraged each other by singing, telling jokes, or just laughing hysterically at the whole situation. At 4 kilometers Maxandre and I decided to grab a "woulib" (free ride) from a motor cycle taxi that was heading up the mountain. I could have made it, but lets be honest...if I'm offered a free ride, I'll take it. After a short time visiting with the organization we all headed down the mountain, which was just as worse as going up. Legs were trembling, sweat was pouring down us all, but we were all determined to reach the bottom so we could go to the beach! After about 1 kilometer of going down the mountain...I was blessed, yet again, by a lovely man with lovely dreads willing to give me and Maxandre another free ride. We hopped on the motorcycle and down we went. Going down a huge mountain on a motorcycle is pretty scary--the drivers don't even turn the engines on! As we zipped by everyone hiking down the mountain I did feel a little bad, but...ya know, I got over that pretty quickly! When we all got down we headed to the beach for a swim which was greatly appreciated.

Courtney and I met with Abelard the other night, and looks like we're going to start volunteering with Haiti Partners (www.haitipartners.org)! They have a ton of things we can help out with. Courtney will be giving classes on computers, instructing teachers on how to better use WORD, EXCEL, things like that. I'll be helping with new program they're trying to initite among the schools--a garden program. Along with that we'll be helping translate when groups come to visit, translate documents, etc. I'm really excited to be able to help out and see how the organization is run. There are many wonderful people involved in it and it'll be a great honor to work with them.

Thats all I've got for now. Looking forward to seeing you all when I visit in December!







The Desperate Search for Icecream

Hello everyone!

This past Thursday night JanJan, Guerda, and Jhony (Limye Lavi people) picked Courtney and I up in Dabon and we all headed to Jakmel. Arriving around 9:30 pm Courtney and I headed straight to bed. Friday we both went into the Limye Lavi office to sit in on and participate in a SASA! (program on violence against women and girls, prevention of HIV/AIDS) seminar being held with and for the Manbo and Ougan (Vodou priestess and priests) who are in the surrounding communities. Interesting as always, but..thats not what this entry is about this time. 

Knowing that somewhere in Jakmel there is icecream, Courtney and I were determined to find some. Guerda told us that down the street from the office we'll find some. After the seminar, off we went. We walked in the restaurant, ordered two 8 oz. icecreams, paid, and went to pick out our flavors. Excited doesn't even begin to describe what we were feeling. Finding real icecream in Haiti is no easy task, my friends. We arrived at the golden, glowing case of icecream...only to find out that there was only pistachio and chocolate. Of course, me wanting to try something new and not be boring says, "Oh, Courtney, chocolate is so boring...lets go for the pistachio." Courtney, being the calm, go with the flow woman that she is says, "Oh, alright, it can't be that bad..." Little did we know...

After a friendly conversation with the women at the counter, we took our radioactive green pistachio icecream to the table and sat down. We opened it up, dug our spoons in, put them in our mouths and almost immediately spit the icecream back out. Our faces contorted, and watching each other we both broke out laughing. It was the strangest, most chemically tasking thing i have ever ingested. Quickly, we both decided we could not eat it. So we devised a plan to walk out, acting as if we were going to finish it outside, but really throw it out in the trash can I just knew would be outside. As we were walking out one of the women says, "Sa nou genyen, nou pa renmen creme nan? Whats wrong, you don't like the icecream?" "O, non non, n ap bwe lie deyo, mesi! Oh, no no, we're going to eat it outside, thanks!" was my reply.

We got outside, realized there actually were no trashcans (surprise surprise), and we didn't want to just toss it on the street. Looking around desperately I suddenly see a boy of about 10 running toward me yelling, "BAN MWEN SA, BAN MWEN SA! GIVE ME THAT, GIVE ME THAT!" As if he knew we were trying to get rid of it. I responded saying, "Ti gason, w met pran tout! Little boy, you can take it all!" and dumped it into his eager hands. The next thing we know another boy is running toward Courtney yelling the same thing. She responded saying, "Men, pran non, nou pa renmen! Here, take it, we don't like it!" We hopped on a motorcycle, looked back at the gleeful boys and laughed hysterically. It couldn't have been more perfect...except that our void for icecream was not filled. 

The next day we went into the market, haggled prices for scallions, carrots, peppers, etc. to make dinner...and still wanted icecream. However, both of us were feeling lazy and didn't feel like going out to look for any...the day went on, no icecream.

Now we come to Sunday. Breakfast made, showers taken, we're ready for the day...and to eat icecream. As the day goes on, the clouds get heavier. Plans to go to the beach with 2 SASA! people, Petit Frere and Daphney were cancelled due to clouds and a cold. Our spirits were still hopeful: we'll just go out later and get icecream! Well, later came, and so did the rain. I decided to text Vikings, another Limye Lavi person, to ask if he knew of anywhere close to us that was open on Sundays and had iceream. To our surprise he texted back saying, "Its raining now, but when it stops I'll come back and pick you both up to go buy some" (but in kreyol, of course...). Well, that just about sent us jumping for joy. Except that 20 minutes turned into about an hour and a half of non-stop rain. I noticed Courtney had been gone for about 20 minutes, and when she came out I asked what she was doing. "Making icecream." "...with that?" "Well...we've got a chocolate bar, sugar, and milk." Laughing at our desperation, I decided to go ahead and make some too, and even add our left over coffee. Before Courtney had taken the reigns to become the next Ben and/or Jerry, I had texted Vikings saying "the rains never going to stop!" (secretly hoping he would have some sort of solution) In the midst of our icecream making, Vikings texted me back saying, "I see that. When it stops raining I'll just have to buy some and bring it to you." I think I actually fell and rolled around the floor in pure joy.

Well, our "icecream" freezing in the freezer, and the rain pouring down...we figured there wasn't much chance of us actually getting our so desired icecream. Until, my phone rings, I pick it up--its Vikings. He says, "Sarah, I'm out front...come downstairs and grab the icecream." Dressed in my frumpy, I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything clothes, Courtney ran down to grab the goods. She ran upstairs, we sat down on the floor right where we had been standing, dug into the bag and found two 16 oz. containers-chocolate and rum raisin. The rum raisin mysteriously tasted just like the pistachio so we put that aside. Sitting on the floor, laughing hysterically at our ridiculous escapades, we quickly devoured the long awaited icecream.

Its the little things that give us joy here, so thanks Vikings, and thanks Haiti for always keeping us laughing despite it all. Go over to Courtney's blog to get her perspective on our search for icecream. 

http://1yearinhaiti.blog.com/2011/10/10/ice-cream-expotition

Until next time!

Worms, Kittens, Cows, and Children.

Yes...these are the three things that have been most taking up my time the past week or so. I'll start with kittens and cows.

As most of you who know me well know, I love and always have loved animals...all types, all sizes, I love them. However, the animals here in Haiti are not really the cuddly type, willing to sit on your lap, snuggle...etc. I'll share an experience I had with probably the biggest bull I have ever seen in my entire life. This happened awhile ago, but that doesn't matter now does it? I was spending a few weeks in Meno, up in the mountains outside of Jacmel. I had taken a short walk to go buy a soda. Feeling good and independent, knowing most of the people in the community, I had decided to go on my own. As I was walking back to the house, down a small portion of the mountain, I came across a bull. A giant bull with giant, giant horns. GIANT, I tell you. I stopped right where I was, looked at the bull, he looked at me and then I realized that he was not tied to anything. I looked around to see what other route I could take, and saw none. SO...I had to go for it. I tried to give the bull as wide of a birth as I possibly could...my heart was beating out of my chest, and I was just about ready to pee my pants. Yet at the same time, it was almost as if I was outside of the situation looking down at how ridiculously funny it was, I started laughing. As I was just about to pass the bull I heard it move and grunt...next thing I know this GIANT BULL was chasing me down the mountain. I ran as fast as I could yelling "AMWAY, AMWAY, M AP MOURI!!! HELP, HELP, I'M GONNA DIE!!!" (a little dramatic, perhaps...). Finally I saw a small, narrow path that lead right to my house, I ran into the path and luckily the bull was too large to pass through. I reached my house completely out of breath, but laughing hysterically. Everyone at the house wanted to know what was going on, and as I told them they literally fell on the floor laughing. Now, whenever I come across a cow/cull/calf/donkey/horse/goat/etc. (which is everyday, several times a day) I make sure either give it a HUGE space, or simply find another route.

Now for the kittens...

You all know I especially have a soft spot for kittens. Ever since May I have been telling myself I'm going to find or buy a kitten and make it my pet here. Due to all the moving around I did, I realized that wouldn't be practical and it would be better to just wait. Well...it just so happens that the house I am in now has three brand new kittens (well, now they are about a month old), AND three brand new puppies. For the past few weeks I have been trying desparately to get at least one of these kittens to warm up to me... IMPOSSIBLE. I give them food (out of my own food!), milk, I try to hold them...with not luck. Instead they turn, look at me right in the face...hiss, scratch, and bite their way out of my arms. However, perhaps the funniest part of all of this is that everyone in my house thinks I am CRAZY for all of this. They sit there laughing hysterically and watch my feverishly and desparatly trying to get these cats to like me, thinking I am crazy. Well, you can all rest assured that I will not give up...one day these kittens will love me.

WORMS...I know you have all been waiting for this one. Well, I have worms. Nothing serious at all, really...just gross and funny. Yep, thats about all I have to say about that.

Now for the children...
Last week Courtney and I were able to participate in one of Beyond Borders/ Limye Lavi's trainings. The training was Monday-Friday, from 8-3 and was on the ESK (Edikasyon se yon Konvesasyon/Education is a Conversation) Method. It was given by Guyto, a staff member here in Haiti. It was absolutely fascinating to be able to participate. Courtney and I were able to learn so much, not only about the ESK method, but about how people here look at and view children and children's rights. The ESK method works for children's rights, making sure they are in school, teaching parents/guardians/etc how to deal with children in other ways than beating them, verbal violence, etc. The method is wonderful because it is all based upon discussion. Groups of 10-20 people are formed in different communities, where the groups work through a series of 5 books, each on a different subject, over a period of 5 months. The books touch on sexual violence, physical violence (fighting/beating), verbal abuse, importance of communication between children and adults, and good examples of parenting. Each session a story is read, questions are posed, a short skit is played out, and the people in the group discuss the story, questions, etc. It was great to be able to participate in the discussions and share stories, opinions, and thoughts with everyone else. The changes that I saw when looking at and hearing what people were saying in the beginning of the training in comparison to thoughts and ideas at the end of the training were pretty amazing and encouraging. I am continually impressed and encouraged by the work of Beyond Borders and Limye Lavi in this beautiful country. Change is coming, slowly but surely.

I've been here for six months now...looking back, these past few months have flown by! I'm sure the next six months will too. I'm not sure what the future holds for me, but I know that more time in Haiti is a given. I'm looking forward to seeing all of you (hopefully) when I come home for a visit in December.

Until next time!

-Sarah

HEY YO.

WELL, here I am, back at it. Back at the beloved blog. Its been a little over a month since I last updated...and quite a lot has happened!

I'm in a new homestay, still in the Dabon/Leogane area. The community is called Ti Basen. This experience is almost 100% the opposite of my first. I live in a giant, GIANT house filled with thousands of knick knacks and shiny things that have been sent over from the states. The "heads" of the household are Antoinette and Wilda--two sisters. There is Blan (Wilda's husband), Edwitch & Claudia who are sisters and nieces of Antoinette and Wilda. That is everyone who SLEEPS in the house I am in. Next to the house are about 3 temporary IRD post-earthquake shelters where Thelani (a wonderful, tiny old woman), Mirlande (Wilda & Antoinette's sister), Wilcov, Carterson, Darlson (Mirlande's sons), and Marc live. My house and the three smaller houses are surrounded by a big cement wall, which is common for Haitian's who have a bit of money to do. Wilda, Antoinette, and Mirlande's oldest sister lives in Florida and has for some time...she is the one who has sent over money and things for the house. This is incredibly common in Haiti, the Haitian diaspora contributes thousands (millions...I'm not sure?) of dollars to the country. Haitians who have gotten the chance to travel abroad send money, clothes, housing supplies, etc. back to their families as a way to show that they are cared for and thought of...which is then ever so proudly put on display by the families who are still here in Haiti. Most of the things in my house are not even used, they are there on display and to show that they have people in the states that have not forgotten or abandoned them.

Since I've been back in the Dabon area I've been spending a lot of time at the Rasin Lespwa (roots of hope) library/center. I've been participating in helping with English classes, children's clubs, or just hanging out with the people here. It's a really great place just to get away and hang out with wonderful people my age who are doing amazing things for the betterment of their people and country.

Its been about two weeks since Abbey and my Dad have left. The trip was really wonderful. Challenging, stressful, and intense, but I would not have changed a thing about it. We were able to spend a few days in Gwo Jan with Carla, all of the MJRAV guys, and Madame Antwan & crew (Might I add that I am feverishly jumping up and down and flailing my arms back and forth to try and combat the dozens of giant wasps that are in here as I write this...). After a few days in Gwo Jan we all headed to Dabon for a short stay with our host families. Our stay was cut short--Abbey unfortunately was hit by what we're pretty sure was heat exhaustion during an intense hike up the moutain. Long story short--with the help of some incredible people here, we were able to get Abbey to the hospital in the city of Leogane where she was put on an IV and eventually got better (more to come on that later). After that little stint--we headed to Jacmel, which is so far my favorite place in Haiti. We stayed at my favorite hotel--Lamitye Hotel (The Friendship Hotel) which is right on the beach and has great rum cocktails :). That was a great part of the trip to just relax and debrief about all that we had all gone through, everything our families had seen, experienced, etc. The last leg was spent back in Gwo Jan, where I feel most at home and where my true Haitian family is. It was such an honor to introduce everyone to my Dad and Abbey. I cannot wait until my Mom is able to meet them all. I can't imagine my family in the states not knowing or meeting my family here...its just something that must be done!

As I mentioned, Abbey was taken to the hospital (clinic) in Leogane. This was probably one of the most beautiful, stressful, and stretching experiences I have had (and also that my Dad and Abbey have had) since I've been here. As soon as we walked in we were escorted directly inside for Abbey to be seen. As we walked inside I saw almost a dozen people who looked like they had been sitting there for hours, waiting to be seen--people who were crying, moaning, and could not sit still because of some sort of pain...while we, three priveleged white people walked right in ahead of them. Abbey was put on a bed and taken care of right away. In the midst of talking to the doctors and then translating for Abbey and my Dad, walking back and forth from the waiting area to where Abbey was, I noticed a beautiful young woman about my age, holding what I assumed to be her infant son who did not look like he had much life left in him. After we were there for about an hour and a half I approached the woman and asked what was wrong with her son. She told me she had been seen earlier, and that the doctors thought her son had cholera. I looked at her son, who was throwing up, going to the bathroom on her, eyes rolling in the back of his head, crying...and felt completely helpless, helpess and angry. She had been sitting there since before we had even gotten there, and not ONCE did I hear her complain, or even ask to be seen. I walked into where the doctors were and, knowing I probably should not have done this--I said as politely as possible, "Excuse me, but do you realize that there is a young woman with her son outside who looks like he is dying who have been waiting for about three hours to be seen?" To which a nurse responded, "Well, its not me you need to talk with, its the doctor." I said, "Well, I'm pretty sure the doctor can hear me because he's sitting right next to you." Doctor responded, "I know they're there...we can't do everything at once." Well, I was at a loss. He was right. He was the only doctor there, and there were dozens of people in the proccess of being seen, or waiting to be seen.But I still was not okay with that! I was angry, upset, frustrated, stressed, felt like I was going to throw up, and cry, all at once. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake everyone I saw and say, "WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO THIS COUNTRY?! WHEN IS IT GOING TO CHANGE?!" It was then, perhaps truly for the first time, that the reality of Haiti hit me. It smacked me in the face, and there I was...standing there, without anything I could do. I then told him, "Listen, my sister's IV is almost fnished...I will have her sit outside and hold it up for her so it can finish if you give that woman this bed." The doctor said, "Don't worry about it, your sister is almost finished...she'll be seen soon." I knew that was the end of that and that there was nothing more that I could do. Eventually Abbey's IV finished and we were told we could leave. As we left, about an hour after all of this...the young woman was still sitting there, in silence, gently rocking her son in her lap. I went up to her, put my hand on her shoulder and told her that I tried, I asked her if anyone came out to talk to her, and she said No, and immediately started crying. I had no idea what to do. I kept my hand on her shoulder, asked her her name, her son's name, and told her that I would pray for them. That was all I had to offer. I looked down at her son and thought...this child does not have much time left, and who knows if he is even still alive as I write this. As grateful as I was, and am that my sister was seen and cared for, it breaks my heart and puts a deep anger in my heart to know that we were immediately seen because of the color of our skin, and all the history, wounds, and scars that have been inflicted on these people because of that. I think of this woman and her son everyday, and I will continue to do so, hoping that she was given the care she and her son needed. If not, I pray and hope that she was given the strength that I see in every person here to go on, despite these harsh conditions.

Haiti, I thank you. I thank you for your people, your land, your history. I thank you for what you are teaching me. I thank you that you force me to see the reality of this place. I hope that this gift you have will never end, and I hope that it touches in some way or another each person on this planet for it is truly a gift that is rich and unique to you. THANK YOU.

I hate this blog.

Well....HI. I am terrible at updating this, I KNOW.  I've never been good at being able to sum things up quickly, or "writing for an audience" so to say.

Anyway...its now almost August, which means I've been here for almost four months. I still have moments where I can't quite believe I'm here. It is a HUGE thing for me to be here...I've dreamt of this since I was a child...and here I am. Life here is beautiful, intense, and difficult. Life here is in your face, every aspect of it. I don't believe that the amount of time I'm here will matter too much--I'm not sure if anyone could ever know and understand every aspect of this place, and that is just one of the many beauties it holds. The more I think I understand, something else just comes around and makes me realize I know nothing.

I've been all over the place (physically...I suppose you could say mentally too) for the past two months. I am no longer with the family I originally was with. I've spent time in Jakmel, a beautiful city on the beach filled with art, music, and beautiful things (often referred to as Haiti's cultural capital). After that I spent a couple weeks with an absolutely wonderful family up in the mountains of the Jakmel area. Now I'm waiting to move in with my new family which will still be in the same general area as the first family, but a different community all together. These past few months have not been easy, but it is all slowly starting to work out.

I avoid updating this because it is so, so very difficult. No one can truly understand unless they are here with me, and, well...no one is. I would love nothing more than for you all to be able to see, feel, taste, hear, and smell all that I see, feel, taste, hear, and smell every day, but thats not the way things work. Some day I will figure out the purpose of this all, and how I can successfully share this experience with the world, because one thing I know is that it needs to be shared...I just don't know how yet.

I know with all of my heart, soul, and mind that this is where I'm supposed to be. I don't know yet what I'm supposed to be doing, but I don't think I need to know yet. It's almost painful for me at times to think about my life back in the states, and all that I have left there. I know it, and you will all still be there, but it really does feel heavy when I think about it all. How can I have SO many people back in the states that I love with every ounce of my being, but KNOW that its not where I'm supposed to be right now, and for quite some time? If only I could figure out how to be two places at once...Despite all of the difficulties here, I don't think I've ever felt happier, or more CONTENT.

I apologize that this update doesn't include some funny story, or something about the "desperation" of the country. The truth is, I'm not sure what to say in here, or how to do it. I'm trying to be as real as possible, and thats about all I can do. Read it if you like, or don't...I'll never know.

I think of you all every day and carry you all with me each day, and everywhere I go.