Woch nan dlo pa konnen mize woch ki nan soley.

The rock in the water does not know the misery of the rock in the sun.

I'm not sure where to start, I've got so much on my mind and so much that I want to share. The past few days have been filled with conversations, thoughts, dreams, and experiences that have been wonderful, fascinating, confusing, and difficult.

Being here for the past seven and a half months, I've found that I can get myself into such a mindset that I almost forget where I am--I just am constantly moving, seeing, and living that when I actually stop and take a bit of time to reflect on where I really am, the people around me, and the many things I see--I am shocked. I can't believe it. It is then that the reality hits me, and what a reality it is. It is so easy (too easy) to go about life living on just the surface. But really, what will we ever learn if that is all we do, if that is all the effort we put into living? Is it even truly living? I do not believe so. Obviously, I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to this, but in being here, I have had multiple experiences that are in essence a slap in the face: a wake up call to open my eyes and see just what it is that is all around me. I don't want to live life on the surface, and I don't think I really can here in Haiti. I can try, but, as I have learned, something always comes around to smack me in the face bringing me right to the front of it all--telling me to dive in, because I'm here, and so is everyone around me. As harsh as it can be, I am more than thankful for it.

I believe one of the reasons I am so drawn to Haiti is the great mystery and spirituality that she holds. It is impossible not to be touched by it (if you are one who lives with and open mind and open eyes, that is...). I don't believe that Haiti will ever be "figured out", and I don't even know if she should be. Meddling in things that aren't ever completely understood never turns out well...I'm content to live in this place of mystery as it is. However, I'm not opposed in anyway, to hearing, learning, and trying my best to understand this great mystery--which is slowly what has been unfolding these past months.

A few days ago while I was still sick but tired of laying around, I decided to join a couple from MCC who had come up to Gwo Jan for Kreyol lessons with Carla and the MJRAV guys in their first experience of grilling and pounding coffee with Bertine. Although I paid later for being up and walking around, I am certainly glad that I went. The first time I met Bertine in 2009, I was immediately struck by her gracefulness and strength. She has a presence about her that draws you to her, a comfort and a protection. She, like most women here in Haiti emits strength, and you know just by looking at her that she has not lived an easy life-- but the welcoming, knowing look in her eyes tells you that she has overcome whatever things have come her way and is still living her life, standing strong.

Bertine has no children but raised her sister's four children, who all call her 'manman'. She is, what they call here in Haiti, a 'famn saj', or a mid-wife. She also is a healer--using leaves and other natural resources to heal wounds, sicknesses, and to aid in giving birth to children. She has probably assisted in giving birth to most of the people here in Gwo Jan under the age of 40. People in the community would come to her asking her to relieve their pain, heal their child, etc. All of this she did without asking a dime. Although she does not do this very often anymore, people still will come to her asking for help.

I've been able to go with different groups to Bertine's to grill coffee several times, and I always enjoy it. Everyone always asks questions about what it is Bertine does, how she does it, so on and so forth...but she is not always eager to answer. I'm not sure whether its hard for her to talk about, or whether or not she just feels she doesn't need to share it with everyone. This time it seemed to be different. The couple from MCC had asked Bertine how she became a 'fanm saj', and whether or not she studied to do that. Bertine readily answered, and told us a beautiful story.

As she began to tell us her story it was as if she was taken back to that very time. I was mesmerized by the way she told it and the life in her face as she spoke. As a child she had a dream where she heard a woman calling her. She saw a long table with a white cloth covering it, and a woman laying on the table. Along with the woman lying on the table, there was an elderly woman telling Bertine what to do--where to touch the woman on the table to heal her, giving her instructions. In the dream Bertine did what she was told, and healed the woman. As she woke up she cried to her father, telling him her dream. The woman who had been instructing her was actually her great-great grandmother on her father's side passing down this gift and ability to her. So began her work as a 'fanm saj' and healer.

Bertine, as I said does not do this work very often anymore. She has stopped because so many people were coming to her, the Ougan (vodou priests) were not making a profit, and were not working. Since Bertine never asked for money, and she is what they call 'Bon Guinea', which is the pure, beautiful, and true side of vodou coming from west-African roots, many people chose to see Bertine instead of the Ougan, who so often would ask a large sum of money for their services. Thus causing a rift among Bertine and many of the Ougans surrounding the area.

I hope to spend more time with Bertine, hearing more of her stories and learning as much as I can. Bertine has opened my eyes to another reality of this place and has helped me move along in this ever precious journey.

This beautiful, strong woman is an example of the true beauty and healing of Haiti. These are the roots of this place; without corruption, without greed. This is what Haiti and her people must hold on to, for this is what they are, this is who they are.